Regrets and Love
by purpleballerynna
Summary: Buffy's thoughts on her death and what happens to her. Sort of a companion piece to my Angel fic, Some Sort of Peace.


The first thing I felt when I hit the vortex was calmness

Regrets and Love

By: Miya

FEEDBACK: [violetsilver@edsamail.com.ph][1]

DISCLAIMER: I am rolling in the money I get from playing with their lives! *Evil laugh* Who am I Joss Whedon? Heck no! I don't own 'em! Though I want to.

SPOILERS: Major for "The Gift" and slight for "IWRY". Yup, that's about it. Wait, slight "Forever" okay so basically it's the whole B/A relationship. I just wanted to elaborate.

AN: I know, it's another one of those 'Buffy's dead boo-hoo' stories. But I like it! Sort of a companion piece to Some Sort of Peace.

RATING: PG

The first thing I felt when I hit the vortex was calmness. I didn't feel like anything was bothering me. I'm calm. Then the first wave of emotions went through me. Happiness, then confusion, then anger and hatred, then finally it settled down to regret. 

Regret that I'm not going to be around to protect Dawn. Not around for Xander and Anya's wedding. And most of all, not around to comfort Angel. He must be devastated when they tell him. I just know that they will tell him, if I know Willow. She always thought that Angel was the one I'd end up with even if she pushed me into other relationships. She knew that I would want Angel to know. 

I felt something hard when I finally stopped falling. I stood up and found myself in a room with all white walls. _I didn't know heaven had walls. _I look around, looking for any sign of life. Heck, I'll even settle for unlife, this place looks pretty creepy. Then I see someone approach me. 

"Hello? Where am I?" I ask. "Let's just say, you're in a stage between life and death." The person said. She was glowing and she seemed to be floating. "So I'm not really dead? Am I in a coma like Faith was?" the woman shook her head. "Oh, your body is dead, but your soul isn't. It is still free and very much alive, awaiting your return." I was getting fed up with her crypticness. "Can you just give it to me straight? What the heck are you trying to say? I just died for goodness sakes!" she smiled and told me to sit down. _Whoa, where did that come from? _"Your soul will return to your body once you have completed these tests. Your body will be returned to earth and you will be allowed to take up your duties as the Slayer again." "I pass a test and I'm still the Slayer? That sucks!" "Silence! These tests will determine if you should be allowed to live or not. If you value your life or the lives of the ones you love, you will undertake these tests without further complaints." I sighed and nodded. "What're the tests?"

The woman led me to another room. "Your first test shall take place here." then she disappeared into the air. I paced around in the room. Then the room changed into somewhere very familiar. My old house in LA. I heard footsteps and ducked into an open closet. Then somebody tapped my shoulder. I jumped back. It was a guy with dark hair who looked vaguely familiar. "Hey. Wouldn't think you'd remember me, but I'm a friend of Angel's. Name's Doyle." Now that's where I remember him. "What's this about? Where's the test?" I asked testily. "You'll see darlin'. You'll see." Then I saw myself when I was 16. When I just learned I was the Slayer, before I moved to Sunnydale. Suddenly, I was face-to-face with myself. "Your first test dear, is to face what you were." 

My younger self then took a punch at me. I blocked it easily. She kept punching and I kept blocking. She then kicked me, I fell to the floor, her hand going to my neck and choking me. I pushed her back and fought her easily, and then she disappeared. "That was easy." I said cockily. "That's not all Buffy."

In a flash, we were at Angel's mansion. "Why are we here?" "That just wasn't your past dear, this is also your past. All of a sudden, a barrage of memories flashed trough my head. I saw Willow, Xander, Giles and Angel. Dawn and my mom and dad. Everything came so fast that I doubled over. I wasn't just seeing the memories; I was also feeling everything I felt. Happiness, confusion and heartbreak. I felt my energy draining away. I tried to lift my feet and run but I was stuck. "Stop it!" I shouted. "Make it stop. I can't take this anymore!" I cradled my head. "You have to face it Buffy. Face it or you won't be able to go back to your friends." My breath was ragged as I staggered to a chair. A memory got my attention. It was me and Angel eating ice cream in bed, but as fast as it came, it was gone in flash. The emotions were hurting me so bad that I stood up and with all of my strength, I slammed a table in two. "STOP!" then the memories were gone. "What will that accomplish?" I asked, tired. Doyle didn't answer, but only said, "On the next test."

We were then transported to the old Initiative complex. "What's this now?" "You face what you have become." I came face-to-face with myself. She did the same thing as before, but this time she was harder to fight. And when I looked into her eyes, she looked like she was going to murder somebody. It was emotionless. Empty. I fought her with all my might but she kept returning it harder. Finally I grabbed a blaster and hit her in the head. She fell down, unconscious. "I am so not like that. I don't look like a…" I trailed off. "Like a person who has nothing to live for? That's what forgetting does to you. Have you forgotten what it was to feel all those emotions? Even if these past few months you have, there is still something in you that's missing. You used to use your emotions as an asset. But you have let them harden you." I was taken aback. "I do not. I feel too much. I get distracted!" "Sure you do. But when was the last time you opened up to someone?" I bowed my head. "Angel." Doyle smiled. "If only you let more people in Buffy, you can help so many more. Angel understands that now. Why can't you?" "I have let them in." "And yet, you've failed to notice the people around you. You were too busy with your problems. I think you're afraid of letting them in. Because you'll get killed." I suddenly remembered why I had jumped. It was to save Dawn. My love for her led me to jump. "I do let them in. if it weren't for love, Dawn would be dead. If it weren't for love Angel would also be dead. I am not afraid! My gift is not death. It's love. If it weren't for my love, the people I care the most about would be gone. And I would be alone." Doyle smiled. "Finally you're getting it. The Powers That Be only wanted you to find that out. Love is your gift." "What? Then why did I have to go through that?" "You know them, always wantin' to make life harder. They wanted to see if you were still worthy of your life. Looks like you are. Go in peace Buffy." 

A bright light surrounded me. I felt myself rising, then thump! I fell to the ground. I was back. I ran off toward my house.

   [1]: mailto:violetsilver@edsamail.com.ph



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